fellooowwws

I am tired of watching my friends sell themselves short.
there is only so much I can do...


in other news, I was hanging out with my brothers brother in laws girlfriend yesterday. I started doing that fellowship kinda stuff with her... she is amazing.. kinda rough and very "cranbourny" but she has a story to tell and i think i am the only one willing to listen. the boys are going fishing next week so im going to spend the night at her place.
She has a son called Derrian, i love little kids... I love listening and watching them view the world with such innocence.. you can learn so much from kids

There is this movement I have got myself deeply involved with. I am so torn up over my past fights with depression and suicide attempts... I'm not going to share something deep like this on here, I want to.. but it is a story I need to pray about in order to share it. but back to this movement. It has started in America, and I am bringing it to Australia.
Here is a short video to explain it, please take the time to listen and watch it. It is so deeply written in my heart.

My brain's repeating "if you've got an impulse let it out" But they never make it past my mouth.

I was talking to a lady at church on Sunday about our week and life at the moment. She was telling me that her and her husband were in the the city during the week and that they were trying to get into a restaurant but were turned away for being too full. Yet as they were leaving the maitrede approached them saying that another couple had just left in a hurry and there was a table there if they were still looking. She had a smile on her face and was like "I prayed a little prayer to God to let there be a table, He does answer prayers".
I did giggle (for no reason) and said "wow that awesome" but I didn't mean a word of it.
I actually felt more angry and slightly hurt, and suddenly I noticed the room, the closed doors and it's boxed in foyer. I excused myself and went into a toilet cubicle and cried. I tried to stop myself but instead I asked God what he was trying to say.
It occured to me, that God is bigger then these "day to day give-me-what-i-want" prayers, like, how many times do we go into a car park on Christmas eve and go "God, please let there be a car park that's preferably close to the entrance" I sure have, sometimes I get some luck.. other times I turn away and shake my head at God. I'm almost ashamed to admit that! Who am I to do that????
But I ask, if we call on God to help in the pathetic little things like finding parking spots or finding things we thought we had lost, are we the selfish nation?
I hate praying for myself or about myself. I don't even want to. Now everytime I think of a small prayer I suddenly feel reminded of the thousands of people who are troubled, in danger, on their own. God knows my needs I don't have to ask... But instead there are bigger things we need to keep calling on God over. He is possibly the only one who can make a difference in this world, who can put a solution to the war.... but it is on Him and we just need to keep seeking Him in this.
Ok, I am not saying that you should not pray for yourself, because God says that we need to do is ask to recieve... but things like "God I didn't study and I have a SAC tomorrow, please help me" WHAT THE HELL MAN! You should have studied in the first place!!?!!!! LAME.
sorry.
But you know what I mean? I think I get angry at this. Angry at people, Angry at myself...

I have a group of friends, who started a band and got involved with this. I wish I was there with them...

to write love on her arms

Ever since I got invloved with this suicide prevention stuff
I keep getting blessed with heaps of oppertunities to minister to people about God etc...

God is working
God is good.

"...Do not test the LORD your God..."

This lady came through work yesterday complaining about how she had just put her washing out and it had started to rain. I kinda did that awkward laugh thing. But she said something that I seem to keep repeating in my head. She said "I thought when you do good things, God rewards you?"

Their are three views to God.
The first is that we view God as a judge; we think if we do something wrong that he punishes us, or He continuesly judges us. A lot of people see God as a judge.
The second is that we think we have a "contract" with God; that we put in something just so we can get something back. Like that lady. She said that "..she made all this effort to get up early and put the washing out.." and yet it rained? for example; a girl who had stopped sleeping with her boyfriend because, "as a Christian", you shouldn't, yet she went for a job interview and "prayed for God to give her ths job" and she didn't get it. She winged that she had given up something and yet God still didn't bless her. Makes me sick when people put God on a contract.
The third view is to have a Covenant with God. Covenants are forever. And you trust each other. It's what our relationship with God should be.

We went to a cemetery today for class.

"This is the only place I have felt free to cry.
Like everyone here knows Sean.
Everyone is missing someone and they understand me...
I belong with the dead and grieving"

I am not depressed, I am no longer grieving.. but it was like revisting old feelings and emotions that I had laid to rest. Sean was my best friend... and he took his own life.. there wasn't a point where I could say goodbye properly.
Today.. walking out of the cemetery, I finally felt like I was saying goodbye.

you know, I can't talk right now so I'll be back to finish this later.
If you are interested to know who Sean is, here is a link, it's not the story but it is my response.

Also here is a drawing I did as well... it explained how I felt when I was told about Sean.

And those with defeat on their faces, Are those that we must keep alive...

journal
Originally uploaded by gem123lee.

Can you tell that I am in "out letting" mode? I keep posting random stuff that I am sure I will delete soon. I had to do this task last week to concentrate on one thing. The one thing was a couple of sentences.

"There is nothing I can do to earn more of God's love.There is nothing I can do to lose God's love."


So I spent the first few days reciting this line to myself and trying to make sense of it... and trying to remember it. In the mean time we had a class with Mark Sayers and a few people piped up and debated the sentence and whether or not it was right. And they debated the use of the words in the sentence and they debated why Stephen would give this to "focus on". Through everything they were saying... it occurred to me... that it is not what is written on the piece of paper.. it's not the words or the choice of words.. it's not if you can remember it.. it's not about that. It's so much deeper and YES! life changing. For me at least. I realized it isn't the sentence we are focusing on.. it's the point of why we are doing it. God's love will never change. It is as it has been for thousands and thousands of years. We were loved before we even knew it... we were loved by God before anyone ever knew us. How dare we debate this??? How dare we sit in a class room trying to reword a sentence that we should already have written in our hearts in blood!! And it's not just this sentence that we focus on... it's the fact we are focusing on something that makes up our being! And a step deeper then that, is the reason why we focus on it!

For example, I have a real hard time trying to focus on thoughts and yet focus on this one thing.. has changed that. It's a tool and lesson I have learnt and can re use to help me focus on the "important things" in life. So many times can I just read something and repeat it to get into my brain.. but to focus.. for 5 minutes +, that was at first a challenge.... but now... I read my bible and the words just come alive.. I sit and I think about it.. I focus on what God is saying through this book directly at me.