I've been watching those sad eyes flirt with happiness for months now.
words of lonliness drip from your lips, the lack of care is beginning to show.
You face each day with a false sense of hope. And you sleep at night face down against your pillow, burying your dreams as if it were a corpse you were trying to hide.
Your saddness breaks my heart. But I see the light within you that you don't believe is there.
I only pray you find that light and believe in life after a broken heart
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
a dream
We borrowed your father’s car and put Iron and Wine on the stereo.
a new cd where we barely knew the words yet managed to pretend enough to enjoy each song.
You smelt like Sunday, so restful and carefree, I liked you this way.
We drove down past the local hotels, bars and venues. We passed old friends and family, pointing out the people we knew and filling each other in on the stories we had created.
As the familiar passed and the new came into view, we talked about ourselves and the similarities we had. I told stories of my 21st and the reasons why I disliked clubs. You shared your political views and reasons why you liked hardcore music and Swedish metal. We really didn't have a lot in common, in fact we could have said we were complete opposites. But that’s why we were what we were. That’s why I liked you, and you liked me.
We talked about God and our passion for living a life like Jesus. We passionately spoke about our desire for change and our longing for our world to be a better place.We drove through your old neighbourhood and you spoke excitedly about your primary school and Local Park, useless information that meant something to me... only because it meant something to you.
We talked about your ex flames and mistakes. We tentatively spoke of marriage and relationships in the hope we wouldn't scare each other.
My eyes were fixed on you as you drove down the highway, I noticed your lips and the way they unevenly curled when you smiled. I noticed how your eyes shone and danced as we spoke of friends and fun past times. I loved the way you looked at me between traffic as I spoke with my hands to show you my enthusiasm.
We arrived at the bay, in time to catch the sun setting on the water. Sitting in the car you told me how you felt and that life was better with me in it. I sat in wonder at how truly lucky I was.
I held his hand and he held mine.
a new cd where we barely knew the words yet managed to pretend enough to enjoy each song.
You smelt like Sunday, so restful and carefree, I liked you this way.
We drove down past the local hotels, bars and venues. We passed old friends and family, pointing out the people we knew and filling each other in on the stories we had created.
As the familiar passed and the new came into view, we talked about ourselves and the similarities we had. I told stories of my 21st and the reasons why I disliked clubs. You shared your political views and reasons why you liked hardcore music and Swedish metal. We really didn't have a lot in common, in fact we could have said we were complete opposites. But that’s why we were what we were. That’s why I liked you, and you liked me.
We talked about God and our passion for living a life like Jesus. We passionately spoke about our desire for change and our longing for our world to be a better place.We drove through your old neighbourhood and you spoke excitedly about your primary school and Local Park, useless information that meant something to me... only because it meant something to you.
We talked about your ex flames and mistakes. We tentatively spoke of marriage and relationships in the hope we wouldn't scare each other.
My eyes were fixed on you as you drove down the highway, I noticed your lips and the way they unevenly curled when you smiled. I noticed how your eyes shone and danced as we spoke of friends and fun past times. I loved the way you looked at me between traffic as I spoke with my hands to show you my enthusiasm.
We arrived at the bay, in time to catch the sun setting on the water. Sitting in the car you told me how you felt and that life was better with me in it. I sat in wonder at how truly lucky I was.
I held his hand and he held mine.
Monday, October 15, 2007
the sound of giving up
without a word i left the scene.
the broken heart lay there surrounded by blood and memories.
I left the room quietly and headed towards the front door, gathering speed with each step before I burst through it and out into the brightness of the sun.
As I collapsed on my knees, burying my head in my hands, I pulled my hair from it's roots and felt the warmth of the blood ooze from the pain. My eyes burned with tears and I scratched my arms till they were red and ached such pain I could barely move.
I cried into the son to save me. To take me from this place, to make me disappear forever.
Peoples passed by; strangers, brothers, sisters, friends. They looked at me and the mess I was... they avoided eye contact and just passed me by. blood seeping through my shirt and forming puddles on the path below me. They saw my tired hands and sad eyes, yet did not stop and offer me help. they just kept walking.
There I lay wimpering in pain, realising that the mess I was, is my own fault.
But im too far gone to help myself now.
I cried "My God! My God! save me from myself! I can not bare to do this again!! I can't..."
Take me home... Oh God, take me home....
the broken heart lay there surrounded by blood and memories.
I left the room quietly and headed towards the front door, gathering speed with each step before I burst through it and out into the brightness of the sun.
As I collapsed on my knees, burying my head in my hands, I pulled my hair from it's roots and felt the warmth of the blood ooze from the pain. My eyes burned with tears and I scratched my arms till they were red and ached such pain I could barely move.
I cried into the son to save me. To take me from this place, to make me disappear forever.
Peoples passed by; strangers, brothers, sisters, friends. They looked at me and the mess I was... they avoided eye contact and just passed me by. blood seeping through my shirt and forming puddles on the path below me. They saw my tired hands and sad eyes, yet did not stop and offer me help. they just kept walking.
There I lay wimpering in pain, realising that the mess I was, is my own fault.
But im too far gone to help myself now.
I cried "My God! My God! save me from myself! I can not bare to do this again!! I can't..."
Take me home... Oh God, take me home....
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean
I lay on my bed surrounded by books and half finished cups of green tea. Sometimes I wonder why I never finish those cups of tea, but I never remember to remind myself of that wonder when im drinking my tea cup, and by the time i've sat it down and forgotten about it, it sits at the same level as all the other tea cups and I think "blast! I forgot to remember my wonder, now i'll never know what it would feel to reach the bottom of my cup"
I have a habit of leaving these tea cups in my room.
I think this says a lot of about my life, maybe your life. I will be focused on the task at hand which is so intensly good and an adventure.. but somewhere along the way my thoughts and priorities change and yet somehow years later I finally remember the task and remember how I never finished it.
I have an array of half completed paintings, drawings, musical interludes, writtings, journals... name it, i've probably once started it. But most probably never completed it.
So I am going back through my life and completing the things I once planned to do.
I only hope that I don't forget to complete the half finished halves that i had not finished.
I have a habit of leaving these tea cups in my room.
I think this says a lot of about my life, maybe your life. I will be focused on the task at hand which is so intensly good and an adventure.. but somewhere along the way my thoughts and priorities change and yet somehow years later I finally remember the task and remember how I never finished it.
I have an array of half completed paintings, drawings, musical interludes, writtings, journals... name it, i've probably once started it. But most probably never completed it.
So I am going back through my life and completing the things I once planned to do.
I only hope that I don't forget to complete the half finished halves that i had not finished.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
wasting.
Currently, I'm learning how to survive.
My God. Oh, My God. the aches of this heart and creaking like and old boat lost at sea. The confidence is lacking and I can't even open my mouth to sing your name. Everything I do is slow and pointless. I can lay here for days on my face with my hands spread out like roots. my nails dig into the capret like anchors. for no reason but my own self pitty. And I learn about your grace, and I experience your love for me. I am not afreaid of you. I am not scared or ashamed. I'm also not and idiot who is going to just wait. wait. wait.wait.
When I glide my fingers along the piano keys, the cool sensations calm my nerves. the white and black are a blur in tears of joy that I am here. There is something here ot be learnt of Grace.
I fade... my heart fades, my eyes are grey with nothing. and my knees are still from shaking. I am nothing without you and the emotions you put my through. I am nothing without you.
I can drink glasses of wine and smoke fine cigerettes. I can see bands with obscure names, play play play. But i am slwoly dying. Slowly turning into something I am not meant to be.
When today ends. I will be one more day closer to my death.
The death of a girl with too much on her mind, to many people in her heart and an impatient soul.
yet here I sit writting a blog..... wasting.
My God. Oh, My God. the aches of this heart and creaking like and old boat lost at sea. The confidence is lacking and I can't even open my mouth to sing your name. Everything I do is slow and pointless. I can lay here for days on my face with my hands spread out like roots. my nails dig into the capret like anchors. for no reason but my own self pitty. And I learn about your grace, and I experience your love for me. I am not afreaid of you. I am not scared or ashamed. I'm also not and idiot who is going to just wait. wait. wait.wait.
When I glide my fingers along the piano keys, the cool sensations calm my nerves. the white and black are a blur in tears of joy that I am here. There is something here ot be learnt of Grace.
I fade... my heart fades, my eyes are grey with nothing. and my knees are still from shaking. I am nothing without you and the emotions you put my through. I am nothing without you.
I can drink glasses of wine and smoke fine cigerettes. I can see bands with obscure names, play play play. But i am slwoly dying. Slowly turning into something I am not meant to be.
When today ends. I will be one more day closer to my death.
The death of a girl with too much on her mind, to many people in her heart and an impatient soul.
yet here I sit writting a blog..... wasting.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Laying on this floor spinning Kieth Green albums, is always a mind opener.
I close my mind and I see the most strangest things.
this is todays.
I am the type of person who screws up so many things in her life, but when I look to my left at the seat I thought would be deserted, Jesus is just sitting there. And I look into his big beautiful greeny blue eyes that look exactly like the ocean and I don't have to question, I don't have to suddenly ask everything on my mind, I don't feel judged or condemed. He doesn't even have to talk. I just get lost looking in those eyes. I lose my words. Yet sometimes I just have to ask
"do you forgive me?"
then he gives me this look like '
did you have to ask?'
He then taps my knee and tells me just one thing.
"You only need an audience of one. I am your biggest fan and I'm not going anywhere"
You know, everything is going to be alright.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
"If there was no way into God, I would never have laid in this grave of a body so long"
I've been on overload at the moment. thousands of things have been going on... nothing important, except uni.. and doing God's will.
See it all started about a week ago, when Tim Piesse did this incredible sermon on worship and that it's not about us it's about God. He told us, screw it if you don't like the words, it's not about you and what you like. it's worship to God and thats all that matters.
Last year I was thinking "no i won't sing that song because I don't agree" or "I hate the words they chose to use in this song"
Slowly I lost a lot of interest in singing in church, instead a few friends agreed with me and we began to critisize the songs until they lost any meaning.
Until that Sunday night, when Tim put me in my place.
And now i've birthed a new passion for worship, for worshiping my God.
I stopped making it all about me, and started treating worship as it should be.
On the way home one night that week, Casting Crows was played on Light FM, a song of theirs called "If We Are The Body"
it has an interesting chorus.
See it all started about a week ago, when Tim Piesse did this incredible sermon on worship and that it's not about us it's about God. He told us, screw it if you don't like the words, it's not about you and what you like. it's worship to God and thats all that matters.
Last year I was thinking "no i won't sing that song because I don't agree" or "I hate the words they chose to use in this song"
Slowly I lost a lot of interest in singing in church, instead a few friends agreed with me and we began to critisize the songs until they lost any meaning.
Until that Sunday night, when Tim put me in my place.
And now i've birthed a new passion for worship, for worshiping my God.
I stopped making it all about me, and started treating worship as it should be.
On the way home one night that week, Casting Crows was played on Light FM, a song of theirs called "If We Are The Body"
it has an interesting chorus.
"But if we are the Body Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way"
It started making me think. How much are you living for God? I am so tired of hearing "I'm doing God's will, but a man's gotta eat" refering to a friend being called to do mission next month, but won't because he will have to leave his high paying job. where has faith gone?
Is faith lost in the old testimant? is faith an old word? is faith not important anymore?
Somestimes I think I have no faith, but then I look down and there is nothing holding me here except God. You don't have to have some miraculous event to show you have faith. You don't have to "feel" like you faith. You don't have to repeat that you have faith over and over, hoping to convince yourself or even God that you have it.
You just do.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Blessings
In a sudden fit of confidence, I suddenly had the biggest urge to quit my job. I'm not a very spontantious person.. I usually have to think things over a few times and then ask other peoples advice. But all I did was pray about it.. the next day I found myself handing my boss my resignation letter.. I think I was more suprised then he was. He actually was really sad to see my go and told me that I had been a real treasure among his team, then he went on to list all these things I had done for him,(that I thought went un noticed), but he had noticed and thanked me for each and every one of them.
It's amazing the places we leave our impact.. and we never realise.
nearly 5 years I had been doing the same thing, nearly 30 hours a week.... and then one day I woke up and God let me know he had bigger plans for me.
I had a little panic attack after uni on the train, last Monday, thinking about how on Sunday I wanted to thank God just a little bit more by giving God my whole pay check to help the homeless people of Melbourne... looking at my account the following day, I had a total of 52 cents. I had a wave of regret.. on EVERYTHING... from going back to uni, qutting my only income and giving away all the money I had. But it was slowly followed by a comforting voice telling me "I have better plans for you".
Yesterday I had my first contracted paying job, photographing the sights of the city for his apartment promosion. It was only a mere $75 but He really liked my photos, and is willing to offer me more work.
Everything is slowly falling into place. I am 100% relying on God.. and not on myself or anyone else.. something that is taking every once of my strength, which I find in my God alone...
(IF YOU NEED ANY PHOTOGRAPHY WORK DONE, I would really appreciate the work.)
I only charge $50- $75, which is realllly cheap.
It's amazing the places we leave our impact.. and we never realise.
nearly 5 years I had been doing the same thing, nearly 30 hours a week.... and then one day I woke up and God let me know he had bigger plans for me.
I had a little panic attack after uni on the train, last Monday, thinking about how on Sunday I wanted to thank God just a little bit more by giving God my whole pay check to help the homeless people of Melbourne... looking at my account the following day, I had a total of 52 cents. I had a wave of regret.. on EVERYTHING... from going back to uni, qutting my only income and giving away all the money I had. But it was slowly followed by a comforting voice telling me "I have better plans for you".
Yesterday I had my first contracted paying job, photographing the sights of the city for his apartment promosion. It was only a mere $75 but He really liked my photos, and is willing to offer me more work.
Everything is slowly falling into place. I am 100% relying on God.. and not on myself or anyone else.. something that is taking every once of my strength, which I find in my God alone...
(IF YOU NEED ANY PHOTOGRAPHY WORK DONE, I would really appreciate the work.)
I only charge $50- $75, which is realllly cheap.
Monday, March 05, 2007
grace has found me just as I am,
I know I need to write about the past couple of weeks, but it's so raw and emotional.. i don't know where to start.
what I am about to write, can not be talked about in a gossip form.. and if you don't know the full story then I ask that you don't discuss this with anyone and attempt to tell people these things, if you don't know. also I don't want any questions.
God's really been hitting me hard, I don't think it's God, but I know something greater then you and I, has been attacking me with real spiritual and emotional power.
I'm sitting here listening to the typical Reauben Morgan, listening to every word and finding a spiritual praise through it. He uses words I love and creates lines that only the soul can sing... something I have been having incredible trouble singing in church, even singing in the car on the way home.
it's 10:18pm and It has been a week since uni has started.. it's been a week since I threw myself back into the "real" world. Normally I would turn myself into a little cameleon and adjust to my surroundings. Before 2006(yits) I had been living as the type of Christian every American has been claiming to be. The typical, Sunday Christian.. but only just. 2006 turned me into a born again Christian, finding my feet and the meaning of who I am.. I think I am even close to realising who I actually am.... but it's freaking hard at uni, it's hard to find a voice, it's hard to find your place and it's hard to find yourself.
But I dedicated my gift of photography, I dedicated my human life 100% to Jesus' use.
and it's been the hardest yet most incredible thing I have ever done.
Because I love Jesus more then my life.
I have let go of everything that I made me.
music
clothing
words
labels etc..
It's hard.. so hard, but I made a promise, I am not going to worry about yesterday and I am not going to worry about tomorrow.
"This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." PSALMS 118:24
Live it. Breath it. embrace life...
Effect number 2:
A very very close friend of mine began down a path, that changed everyone's lives. I still can't talk about this, because the depth it goes.. there is just layers and layers of things that have been happening... I knew it would happen.. we could see it coming, but none of us wanted this, honestly none of us were at all prepared for this.
I just feel like im losing him.
see I want to push him away, I want to block him from my life, destroy my connections.
But it's not him i'm doing it to.
I have strange visions, and I invisioned him getting injected with this darkness.. and slowly his blody is turning into this horrible darkness.. his disfigured and hardly recognisable, it makes me feel sick even thinking about it... it's the most horrible thing I have ever invisioned. But I look all over him, taking in all the darkness and crap (old and new) all the scars, cuts and bruises... but then there is the bright red heart.. it's beating so hard and fast.. fighting the darkness.. it keeps pushing the black harder out of the body, it loses parts but it's still fighting. it's such a bright blood red that I look at it and it's full of hope and peace and strength. I keep praying that it reaches parts of the body, and his body finds that strength....
what I am about to write, can not be talked about in a gossip form.. and if you don't know the full story then I ask that you don't discuss this with anyone and attempt to tell people these things, if you don't know. also I don't want any questions.
God's really been hitting me hard, I don't think it's God, but I know something greater then you and I, has been attacking me with real spiritual and emotional power.
I'm sitting here listening to the typical Reauben Morgan, listening to every word and finding a spiritual praise through it. He uses words I love and creates lines that only the soul can sing... something I have been having incredible trouble singing in church, even singing in the car on the way home.
it's 10:18pm and It has been a week since uni has started.. it's been a week since I threw myself back into the "real" world. Normally I would turn myself into a little cameleon and adjust to my surroundings. Before 2006(yits) I had been living as the type of Christian every American has been claiming to be. The typical, Sunday Christian.. but only just. 2006 turned me into a born again Christian, finding my feet and the meaning of who I am.. I think I am even close to realising who I actually am.... but it's freaking hard at uni, it's hard to find a voice, it's hard to find your place and it's hard to find yourself.
But I dedicated my gift of photography, I dedicated my human life 100% to Jesus' use.
and it's been the hardest yet most incredible thing I have ever done.
Because I love Jesus more then my life.
I have let go of everything that I made me.
music
clothing
words
labels etc..
It's hard.. so hard, but I made a promise, I am not going to worry about yesterday and I am not going to worry about tomorrow.
"This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." PSALMS 118:24
Live it. Breath it. embrace life...
Effect number 2:
A very very close friend of mine began down a path, that changed everyone's lives. I still can't talk about this, because the depth it goes.. there is just layers and layers of things that have been happening... I knew it would happen.. we could see it coming, but none of us wanted this, honestly none of us were at all prepared for this.
I just feel like im losing him.
see I want to push him away, I want to block him from my life, destroy my connections.
But it's not him i'm doing it to.
I have strange visions, and I invisioned him getting injected with this darkness.. and slowly his blody is turning into this horrible darkness.. his disfigured and hardly recognisable, it makes me feel sick even thinking about it... it's the most horrible thing I have ever invisioned. But I look all over him, taking in all the darkness and crap (old and new) all the scars, cuts and bruises... but then there is the bright red heart.. it's beating so hard and fast.. fighting the darkness.. it keeps pushing the black harder out of the body, it loses parts but it's still fighting. it's such a bright blood red that I look at it and it's full of hope and peace and strength. I keep praying that it reaches parts of the body, and his body finds that strength....
Here I am, humbled by your majesty,
Covered by your grace so free.
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man,
Covered by the blood of the Lamb.
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice.
Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty-handed but alive in Your hands.
Here I am, humbled by the love that You give,
Forgiven so that I can forgive.
So here I stand, knowing that I am Your desire,
Sanctified by glory and fire.
And now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice.
Majesty, Majesty.Y
your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty-handed but alive in Your hands.
Singing Majesty, Majesty.
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the presence of Your Majesty, Majesty.
We're singing Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am.
And I'm nothing but alive in Your hands.
Just typing it is soothing. Martin Smith and Stu Garrard have to be two of the best songwriters on the planet. All of their songs have such a depth of spirit and creativeness of lyric that it's impossible not to exactly picture what they are depicting.
I'm so all over the place, and this insanely big post. if you are reading it down to this very word.. then I want to thank you for listening to my rant/problems. And pray that my world won't crumbel and fall...
I'm so all over the place, and this insanely big post. if you are reading it down to this very word.. then I want to thank you for listening to my rant/problems. And pray that my world won't crumbel and fall...
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
I caught a glimpse of you today
I don't know what to say...
you're beautiful
so perfect
when you are with me... my worlds just fine.
you make me see that my life before you was just lonliness
I can't imagine my life without you by my side
the more that i see you the more that i realise your beautiful
I want my whole world to say "I love you Jesus" I want to chase Him. I want my life to follow Him forever. I want to show Him and let Him see every inch of me. I'm sick of empty words... I've been here before but it's time for me to change...
Anne Frank once said, how wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world... Doesn't that make you just stop and think for a moment?
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus....
Where did I go wrong? I'm tired of my useless excuses of "I'm not ready"... what are we not ready for? "I'M" since when was it about me?
God, this is my prayer.
Let your will be done.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Ok weird stuff is going on.
I ran into Esther today at work and we had a really REALLY good chat about life and the future. I'm usually so crap at small talk, but with Es, it's always jumping in the deep end.
I've been doing some praying about where my photography is going, and basically I came to a conclusion that I want to make a book. Weird thing is, before I could tell Es, she was already telling me to make a book.... creeepy
needs more prayer... but I know I'm going down the right path now.
I ran into Esther today at work and we had a really REALLY good chat about life and the future. I'm usually so crap at small talk, but with Es, it's always jumping in the deep end.
I've been doing some praying about where my photography is going, and basically I came to a conclusion that I want to make a book. Weird thing is, before I could tell Es, she was already telling me to make a book.... creeepy
needs more prayer... but I know I'm going down the right path now.
Monday, February 05, 2007
life goes on... and i can't seem to stop it
This time last year I had a friend die in a car accident and her boyfriend taking his own life. I keep thinking that nothing is as bad as that...
Last night at church I had the most heart breaking news that I have ever recieved.
My friend James was married around 2 months ago to the love of his life, Denneil.
woke up on Sunday morning to find his beautiful bride not breathing. They rushed her to the hospital but they couldn't revive her. He is only 22 year old and she is 20 years old.
My heart goes out to him and his friends and family, and hers.
I can't even imagine what he would be going through.
Rest In Peace Denneil....
I know you are in the most beautiful place.
I don't want to make this about me at all. But seeing as this is my only outlet, I have to let my thoughts out.
The craziest thing about this news, is that I was told just before the church service started. I spent the whole service fighting what I know, with what I feel.
My head repeats how she is in Heaven, she is more alive there then she ever was here.
My heart screams "why was she taken without any goodbyes or i love you's"
I've gone over and over every inch of this in my head, then something incredible happened.. I've realised what it means when I sing "He gives and takes away"
God loves us.
There was a man called Enoch, who lived well over 300 years... God loved him so much because Enoch had so much faith in Him, that God took him away because he didn't want Enoch to see death. Such a strange story, but reading this brought amazing comfort and peace.
I can't say this is the reason for why Denneil was taken, but it made me realise that God does not take people away to punish or in spite... he does it because He loves us.
He loves us.
do you realise how powerful his love is???
so powerful.. that it gives, and takes away.
Last night at church I had the most heart breaking news that I have ever recieved.
My friend James was married around 2 months ago to the love of his life, Denneil.
woke up on Sunday morning to find his beautiful bride not breathing. They rushed her to the hospital but they couldn't revive her. He is only 22 year old and she is 20 years old.
My heart goes out to him and his friends and family, and hers.
I can't even imagine what he would be going through.
Rest In Peace Denneil....
I know you are in the most beautiful place.
I don't want to make this about me at all. But seeing as this is my only outlet, I have to let my thoughts out.
The craziest thing about this news, is that I was told just before the church service started. I spent the whole service fighting what I know, with what I feel.
My head repeats how she is in Heaven, she is more alive there then she ever was here.
My heart screams "why was she taken without any goodbyes or i love you's"
I've gone over and over every inch of this in my head, then something incredible happened.. I've realised what it means when I sing "He gives and takes away"
God loves us.
There was a man called Enoch, who lived well over 300 years... God loved him so much because Enoch had so much faith in Him, that God took him away because he didn't want Enoch to see death. Such a strange story, but reading this brought amazing comfort and peace.
I can't say this is the reason for why Denneil was taken, but it made me realise that God does not take people away to punish or in spite... he does it because He loves us.
He loves us.
do you realise how powerful his love is???
so powerful.. that it gives, and takes away.
Friday, February 02, 2007
I'm balancing... falling and losing everything.
I’ve got to climb to the top,
Never stop till I reach it,
Tell I feel that I’m good
And that I’m in control Of life
and my thought
When I’m not I still preach it
Cuz they’re all gunna see if I start to fall
And lose control,
I’m losing control
Of this…
I’ve been balancing on suspended pianos
And trying to appear composed
It makes the loudest noise when they begin to crash
With eyes on me I force a laugh
You come to me,
And set me free
Across my arms across my chest
This is not a gift I can accept
But I appreciate the sentiment
I’ve worked too hard for righteousness
To just lay down while you hand me this
And put my faith in something you call grace
From you I’ve been lost inside a cave without a lantern
At every sound I start to run
Feel my way around the dark without a pattern
If I would wait you’d come
To rescue me and show the way
From you From you
(From you) trying to learn
What it falls beyond Beyond you Beyond you
(From you) trying to learn What is freely given
Every time that you Try to just redo
Just to give and take Is it in my face
Tell me that this blood Was (you)
him in vain
Never stop till I reach it,
Tell I feel that I’m good
And that I’m in control Of life
and my thought
When I’m not I still preach it
Cuz they’re all gunna see if I start to fall
And lose control,
I’m losing control
Of this…
I’ve been balancing on suspended pianos
And trying to appear composed
It makes the loudest noise when they begin to crash
With eyes on me I force a laugh
You come to me,
And set me free
Across my arms across my chest
This is not a gift I can accept
But I appreciate the sentiment
I’ve worked too hard for righteousness
To just lay down while you hand me this
And put my faith in something you call grace
From you I’ve been lost inside a cave without a lantern
At every sound I start to run
Feel my way around the dark without a pattern
If I would wait you’d come
To rescue me and show the way
From you From you
(From you) trying to learn
What it falls beyond Beyond you Beyond you
(From you) trying to learn What is freely given
Every time that you Try to just redo
Just to give and take Is it in my face
Tell me that this blood Was (you)
him in vain
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Everyone
I was wandering around Word just picking up random things and staring at them until I'm conviced they're boring. Seeing as I had about 40 minutes to kill, I started listening to their audio cd's (brilliant idea!) and I clicked over to Reaben Morgan's "Everone" I am now the owner of a Christian worship cd and I am so excited!! total repeat all day!
He is an amazing song writer! it has been such a long time since I have felt so much depth and realisim in worship and this incredible connection!!
He is an amazing song writer! it has been such a long time since I have felt so much depth and realisim in worship and this incredible connection!!
Monday, January 15, 2007
Monday, January 08, 2007
eat your heart out
We will never be here again
There are moments in life... where you sit so still, and through the chaos.... of a thousand bodies moving around you, like you are lost in a sea. You turn your head... and there is that moment, where you swear everything is about to explode.
You hold your breath, just waiting for that next moment, the moment you can't even imagine how to prepare for. You close your eyes.. still feeling that increasing movement surrounding you, and you hear this still voice.
"Hold on"
The music blaring in your head phones starts building up, the drums, guitar and bass combine and become faster and faster.... the tension mounts and....
The peace follows.
You know when you were in primary/high school, you would be on your own doing a math equation suddenly you remember that the answers are in the back of the book! So you flip to the back, hurry through copying the answers... and your done! no blood shed!
Lifes not like that anymore. You can't keep just getting the answers without doing the equation first. There is a formula that creates the answer, if you just go and get the answer without the formula, yes you will be happy, but you will be even more lost then ever. It's not having the answers in life that makes you live the happy life.. It's the formula, the blood and tears you shed to get that happiness... that makes it real happiness!
ahh I have nothing more to add right now.
don't try and take shortcuts in life. thats not living it to the full!
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Happy New Years everyone... is it really happy?
I spent New Years in the city with some friends I only just met a few months ago at church. Typical walking around and watching people lose themselves in alcohol and such things. The fireworks was really good, and Bomba played some sweet reggae tunes. But it wasn't until after the countdown that I realised... this year is like no other. They played a medly of various songs, over the loud speaker, that were hits during 2006. Like Evermore and Pink.. but also they played "Forever Young" by Youth Group. That was the song that was played at Sean's funeral. I can't even look at a Youth Group album without crying, let-alone listen to that song. I realised 2007 will not be like any year... because I don't have one of my best friends to share it with. So the new years celebration was no longer celebration another year, it is mourning the friends I tragically lost during 2006, the relationships that failed and the friends who I never see.
what will 2007 hold?
I spent New Years in the city with some friends I only just met a few months ago at church. Typical walking around and watching people lose themselves in alcohol and such things. The fireworks was really good, and Bomba played some sweet reggae tunes. But it wasn't until after the countdown that I realised... this year is like no other. They played a medly of various songs, over the loud speaker, that were hits during 2006. Like Evermore and Pink.. but also they played "Forever Young" by Youth Group. That was the song that was played at Sean's funeral. I can't even look at a Youth Group album without crying, let-alone listen to that song. I realised 2007 will not be like any year... because I don't have one of my best friends to share it with. So the new years celebration was no longer celebration another year, it is mourning the friends I tragically lost during 2006, the relationships that failed and the friends who I never see.
what will 2007 hold?
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