wasting.

Currently, I'm learning how to survive.
My God. Oh, My God. the aches of this heart and creaking like and old boat lost at sea. The confidence is lacking and I can't even open my mouth to sing your name. Everything I do is slow and pointless. I can lay here for days on my face with my hands spread out like roots. my nails dig into the capret like anchors. for no reason but my own self pitty. And I learn about your grace, and I experience your love for me. I am not afreaid of you. I am not scared or ashamed. I'm also not and idiot who is going to just wait. wait. wait.wait.
When I glide my fingers along the piano keys, the cool sensations calm my nerves. the white and black are a blur in tears of joy that I am here. There is something here ot be learnt of Grace.
I fade... my heart fades, my eyes are grey with nothing. and my knees are still from shaking. I am nothing without you and the emotions you put my through. I am nothing without you.
I can drink glasses of wine and smoke fine cigerettes. I can see bands with obscure names, play play play. But i am slwoly dying. Slowly turning into something I am not meant to be.

When today ends. I will be one more day closer to my death.
The death of a girl with too much on her mind, to many people in her heart and an impatient soul.
yet here I sit writting a blog..... wasting.