i'm unhearted

Ah i'm crap!
ooo feels so good to say that!
Christmas is a load of crap, apart from all the Jesus stuff (WHICH IS THE REAL MEANING) all this present giving and family stuff is just crap. crap crap crap crap crap!
I mean, come on! I see my relo's and share a meal with them ONCE A YEAR! I should be doing this all the time.
Christmas is overrated! next year I'm going to fast in prayer.. and im going to make my whole family do it. and all money is going to charity.. I spent about $500 on shitty presents. $500 saves peoples lives. WHATS WRONG WITH ME! WHATS WRONG WITH THE WORLD!?!?


YITS HAS RUINED ME!!! IM A CYNIC!!!

I need to see my generationg change.



let life begin!

People are always straining their ears to hear what God is saying to them.
do you realise that God is talking to you ALWAYS?
when you have a conversation with someone.. listen carefully to their words, thats God.
when you are walking along on your own and a thought comes into you head that gives you a good feeling... thats God as well...

do you get it?
God's voice is loud enough to here... it's constantly there..... you just have to open you eyes,ears,heart,mind,body and soul.


thats all

I'm trying to find my feet....















God.Help.Me.

Over it.
Over this.


I just want pure silence. Tomorrow I'm going on a silent retreat with God.
I'm turning off my phone, putting the music away... I just want God and I. just that.
No more YITS people for a while... there is no novelty in seeing everyone if I see them every few days. It's not you, it's me...


and don't reply to this...
im tired and grumpy.

In the heart of your deepest heart....

I hope that you had the same reaction to this image as I did. It's the strange mix of emotions... the feeling of pain, because she looks in pain, the feeling of sadness, that she has to go through this.. and the strange feeling of love that the lady is giving this girl...
It's a photo of a girl in Iraq... I don't know the story, but seeing photos like this,
is the reason why I am a photographer...

Some photos are very difficult to look at.

This is one of them. Imagine being there.

Wait.

That's the job of the photographer ...

to put someone else in his/her shoes and feel what they felt.

amaze

"You never saw him, yet you love him.
You still don't see him, yet you trust him—with laughter and singing.
Because you kept on believing,
you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation. "

Men

(note: Im pretty much living by this, I don't just see these things as a fantasy, I see them as a thing that every man should strive for.)
oh and if you know someone like this, can you pass on my number?

ok, It has taken me a few years to come up with this list.
here we go:

My perfect man:

Core Values:
-integrity
-honesty
-authenticity
-purity
-humility
-strength
-reliance

A man of Purity
A man of integrity
A man of honesty
A man that knows the Lord
a strong leader
a reponsible man
an authentic man
a financially stable man
an encouraging man
a reliable man
an intelligent man
an original man
a man of prayer
A man of the Word
a humble man
a loving man
a fearless warrior
a good father
a hard worker
a shepard
a kind nurturer
a good cook
a dignified man
an honarable man
a man to look up to

Trip down to mornington

HI!
I have nothing to day but I brought The Breakfast Club the other day, and everytime I desire to watch it.. I'm going to go sit in my room and cry.. or read the bible and pray, like I want to.
anyways

dinner was bake beans tonight and im sure I am about to feel sick in about 10 minutes from spooning dynomite into my guts for the past 30 minutes :(

Television = drug of the nation

I'm in Deb's house.. if thats what you call it! well I'll refer to it as a 'home' because 'house' doesn't do it justice. anyways moving on.
fasting from TV is EXTREMELY hard, everywhere you go there is a tv, and i'm not saying "the devil is tempting me" it's more like, THERE IS A LOT OF TV'S IN THIS WORLD! John Logie Baird you must be filthy rich!

Last night I realised that I need to fast.
I've never fasted on my own terms, normally for church.
But it was pretty clear that, in order to leave room to move and answer, I have to fast.
not food, but I'm fasting TV.
So the next 3 weeks I won't be watching any OC, Neighbors, News,Movies etc...
I think this is the best idea ever.
but it is going to be so freaking hard :(

if your hands are dirty, get them dirtier!

If there is one thing you'll learn from me, is, stop being afraid.
Stop talking yourself out of things
Stop worrying what a stranger thinks
Stop being something your not.
Stop pretending you don't care
Stop taking things personal.
Stop trying to keep your self image "cool"

Because NONE of those things help people know about the KOG.
Screw how you feel, screw how you look or talk.
(what did you say? "you gotta talk the talk and walk their walk to communicate?" BS!)
Be yourself and thats who you will attract.. people like you.
Don't be a prep trying to convert a punk.
IT WILL PROBABLY NOT HAPPEN!

get it?

Weddings and blessing

"Your name brings life, it's more then the air I breathe"
Can I think of a more beautiful way of telling God how much he means to me.
Suddenly everything lately seems to mean so much.. the words in the bible, the words of my pastor, the words from within people... suddenly everything has meaning and depth. Things just don't sit on the surface anymore.. they sink in.

I watched my brother marry the love of his life. They asked me to do a reading from Proverbs, and as I stood in front of them and read those verses, it occured to me.. God is using me to share his words with them. I could almost feel God repeating the words to me to say to them.

beautiful.
anyway.



I present to you, Mr and Mrs Lee

I close my eyes, and then I slowly release the darkness and embrace the light.. i think it's called a blink?

I gave in to Amy's requests and went to work at six yesterday morning to cover for my Mexican, metal-head friend, Darren. I'm usually off Saturday mornings, but it got me out of bed and the few hours I spent there will add an extra sixty bucks to my paycheck next week. I'm amazed sometimes at how little I actually work at work. Today I got to hang in the merch office and I discovered that if you make a photocopy, cover it with even strips of scotch tape, then slowly peel back the copy, a grainy image will be left on the tape, which you can adhere to anything you please. So, I copied some pictures of Gabriel Garcia Marquez and taped them in my journal along with some drawings and random, distressing words clipped from an insurance company's fax. The images have a ghostly, urgent look that I'm really happy with. After that, I took the words "Death and Dismemberment" from the fax and stuck them onto a frame that held a picture of Gino's girlfriend. The frame was engraved with "Love is..." followed by a string of sentimental adjectives. Seeing that he's a dark and morbid type, I thought he'd enjoy my addition. I got back from work and watched Donnie Darko, which I hadn't seen in a year or so. I love that movie, but I was surprised (well, not really) by how artificial Drew Barrymore seems in her role. However, I've been repeating "Cellar Door" in my head endlessly for the last few hours. It really is a beautiful phrase.

You people are beautiful....
Im not afraid of YITS being over. the adventures of next year and eagerly waiting to be released from the box i had been keeping them in...

Jesus is a passion, a real life passion.. im not just saying that.. im living it, feeling it, believing it!

"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand."

"theres a river of life flowin' out of me, makes the lame to walk and the blind to see.. open prison door set the captive free. oh theres a river of life flowin' out of me"

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”

-Jack Kerouac.

Isn't it beautiful??

ah crap, so i've posted three times today alone.. and deleted them all. my bad.
I don't want to share anything except something strange that happened today.

When catching the train into the city this morning, Sarah and I sat next to a boy whome we struck up a shallow convosation with. I don't know why but my heart went out to him and I held back tears that whole train trip, thinking about him. Sarah was scrolling through his ipod and it reminded me of my train trips with Sean on the train home from Hawthorn. It caught my eye, all the cuts and slits on the boys wrists and in my mind, there was Sean. That boy stared at me and all I saw was desperation in his eyes. I couldn't do anything but we said that we would pray for him as we left the train.

God pretty much places people so blatenly obvious in my path. people with problems and issues and a lack of love for their lives...

GOD! FREAK! USE ME!!!



CLICK THIS BANNER AND READ THIS STORY! It is a simple story of one girl who needed saving and was lucky enough to find a group of people that cared to help. If you have love to give do not be scared to venture into darkness to find those who are lost. Especially us Christians. Christ came to heal the broken, the poor, the lost. Put your trust in the Lord and he will give you his strength. If you consider yourself saved know that you were once in this same darkness and someone came to you. You deserve it absolutely no more than anyone else. Don't sit idle and be content with reaping the benefits of Christ's death without having a heart for the broken.

I've been thinking about what Mark said the other day, about the cockroaches and moths..
It got me thinking about how, if you know a lot of moths, they are in your life because God wants that to be the area you are reaching out to.
I think about it, and I realise that about 80% of my friends and the people I meet are moths, either blatenly obvious.. or below their cockroach shells.
I'm cuious...

is there anyone else with thoughts on this?

where to start.
BEST NEWS
I have been praying for someone to move into the community house, seeing that one of the guys had moved out and the others were looking for someone to take the spare room (mainly so the rent was cheeper). So I have and we have been praying and talking to a few people, in the mean time my brother was winging that he was wanting to move out and after a couple of weeks of "stop winging, be happy" God pointed out that my prayers and my brothers wishes were actually linked! (ok so i was a little slow!)
So Sunday my brother moved into his new place and suddenly the community had not only a new member, BUT it is my own blood!
See the goodness from this is, my brother, like the rest of my family, were raised in a Christian home. When he was 19 he desided that he didn't want to take part in church or have any involvment in religion. And I have been praying for as long as I can remember for God to help me help him, but for him to find christian friends that would be a great influence on him. Now his not only making friends with my community, but his hanging with Christians his own age, who are amazing people... and his seeing that.
So THANK GOD! is all I can say.. so many prayers being answered.. God is truely incredible!

mmm I don't really remember the point of my blog.
I've been doing fellowship with Kerryn and I have felt more like a councelor which I guess in someways it is good, she has opened up to me that I don't think there is one thing she is hiding. I was baby sitting Derian, her son, the other night while she went out for dinner with her boyfriend, my brother, his finace; Kez, (which is Kerryn's boyfriend's sister). Spending time with him was precious and an honour! that not only does she trust me but trusts me enough to put the safety of her son into my hands.

Jordan leaves today.
And we went and played chess in the state library. what a beautiful day.

Dinner with friends is best....

Where has this year gone?

While writting my speech the other day, I was listening to old mix cd's that I had made back in junior high, one of the songs was by Baz Luhrmann called "Everybody's Free" while listening to it there was a line that really caught my attention.. actually a few.

"Get to know your parents, you never know

when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on."

It's that line about your siblings that gets me...
and it makes me think about my brother and sisters through Christ. How desperatly we need them to be the Christians God intended us to be.
It slightly amuses me I guess...

I can't remember that last time I prayed so desperatly!
I feel so alive like I swallowed more life or something...

God is good... and his about to unleash Heaven!


Sarah Blue amazes me.

I worked out whats wrong with me

Today I asked myself,
what is one thing I want REALLLY bad right now.
and the answer was a hug.

I need a hug so badly.

I use to be such a hugging and huggable person.. but I feel like i'm pushing that away. I don't like to touch people anymore, because i'm not sure I'm allowed to. My best friend, Joe, and I use to hang out and cuddle and hold hands. neither of us thought of each other in a romantic way and only saw it as a friendship where we really appreciated each other and really liked sharing how we felt, which was respect and love as friends. Then Joe started dating this girl, Bec, and she took my place and saw how Joe and I acted and told Joe that I do all that stuff because I like him. So Joe and I stopped doing that stuff, stopped hugging, stopped hanging out.. because my actions appeared wrong.
So in time, I stopped myself from being like that with everyone. Becuase i'm tired of being judged and viewed wrongly.. and to be honest, I don't know and don't see how far is to far... I don't know if thats bad, but I think it is.
So I don't have any physical contact with anyone and tried to avoid physical contact with people (except mainly with girls because they are not getting the wrong idea)

I am craving a hug but
I'm afraid i've forgotten how to hug :(

Wasting your own time on my wasted time

I'm sitting in a small Brunswick cafe with my pencils, drawing pad, latte and laptop which I just discovered has wireless internet and so here I sit writing a sentence every few minutes between gazing out the window and unconsciously watching the school kids file in ordering extra strong macchiatos and hedge hog slices.

I'm slightly puzzled by these cafes at which the outdoor chairs are arranged in the style of a cinema. I guess it prevents arguments about just who gets to see the people walking by. I do fall into this "watching strangers" category. I'm not a freak, I swear.. I just find interest in the way people walk and talk. Although maybe I am a freak because I find myself, at the end of the day, with a sketchbook full of half drawn figures looking like they are in deep conversations. It is strange, I can look at a picture and remember exactly why I drew that person and what drew me to them.

There is this lady on the table next to me, who is reading a book that I left here last Tuesday. It is a beautiful book called 'Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge. I only came in to pick up the book but finding her reading it made me sit down and wait for her to leave.. Something inside me is making me want her to take the book and share it with her friends who will experience the beauty that book talks so honestly about. Yet I haven’t finished the book and I don't think mum would want me to give away a book that I brought for her birthday... yet it is so easily replaced.. I wonder how much a new book costs?

I've started lurking Deviantart again and catching up with artists and photographers from around the world. A boy, I made friends with a few years ago, is from Latvia and had been doing some interesting takes on new religions and idols that our society seems to worship. If you don't know already, I've started to take a turn and head towards ala natural. My family are vegan and I have decided to become vegan as well and I have decided that I don't want consume anything from Nestle or Schweppes (which is hard because they make EVERYTHING). why? because 1. I don't need it and 2. Because fare-trade is the way to go!

This! amused me:

anyways the cafe is starting to pack up and im still daydreaming.
So here is Gemma with an unusual entry, signing off.

Our focus as a society feeds on beauty. It has become a goal and obsession. as girls we entangle ouselves in the latest fashion trends and the smallest sizes. however deep down what we really want is to be loved, feel loved. we're brought into the lie that looking beautiful will make us happier and bring us fulfilling love. but what we really need is the unconditional love of Jesus. He is the one who makes us beautiful, the one who paid the price for out beauty and we need to ourselves as he sees us. it's not as much about what we do or how we look, but who we are... and we are the beloved.
Beloved because you look more beautiful than his eyes...

Sometimes, a hug is all what we need. Free hugs is a real life controversial story of Juan Mann, A man whos sole mission was to reach out and hug a stranger to brighten up their lives. In this age of social disconnectivity and lack of human contact, the effects of the Free Hugs campaign became phenomenal.As this symbol of human hope spread accross the city, police and officials ordered the Free Hugs campaign BANNED. What we then witness is the true spirit of humanity come together in what can only be described as awe inspiring.In the Spirit of the free hugs campaign, PASS THIS TO A FRIEND and HUG A STRANGER! After all, If you can reach just one person...

Gosh the world is horrible! but you know what?!!? there is actually people doing things about it!!! this is awesome!!
I've been reading up heaps on XXXchurch.com It's amazing! I think it is a great idea!
How many people have you known/know, including yourself, that have looked or been addicted to porn? this is so out there for you and your friends. If you want to watch the story, you can go here I got the DVD the other day and it just blew my mind how serious this issue is, and if Christians and church's got behind this, the most incredible stuff can happen to the world. not only individualy but in friendships, relationships and marriages. Porn does suck! it is so damaging, degrading and revolting. These guys know who their audience is and they are so commited to it. what a ministry!
anyways check it out and I hope you learn something from it.

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

To lost I will find and to the found i'll keep strong

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. "
Philippians 3:12 (The Message)

It's so cold, I have so much to say, but it's so cold to type.
Bah! being passionate sometimes takes it out of you. I love discovering Christian's in my local community, like the boys at work and the girls who work at Gloria Jeans, ICE and jetty surf. I have no idea how I get into the convosations about God and church with complete strangers. but I do. Thank God.

So my Texas trip is all worked out, i've got a year to get a good price on flights but i'll buy them now anyways. what am I doing? Well im working at a church and doing street ministry to homeless and the drug and alcohol abused. thats all I know so far. My friends best mate is a pastor there and I'm just helping out.

this is some dudes (the last one is my friend) that are doing street ministry at the moment, they did a couple of surveys too


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

his stregth

"you are a child of God. your playing small doesn't serve the world. there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us... and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."
- nelson mandela

This totally goes out to a lot of you guys. It is strange. I was reading a book at my sis-in-laws house and (as a quote lover) this really stood out to me. I think it is beautiful, raw, honest... and humbling. Then I log on and check some friends' livejournals and she had this quote up and saying that she found it and meant a lot to her. God's up to something... sneeeeeeky.


Saturday 12:49am
I have decided to learn the Violin.

Hey i did a sweet photoshoot yesterday with an amazing musician, Kim Beales.
check out his stuff and leave him a comment etc.
check the link on the banner to see more photos.

love gem

"you're my mystery that makes life interesting..."

dear children...

I watch you walk and i watch you run
and i'll always be the one chasing you
i see you fade.. i see you fall
and i'll sure be the one to catch you
i find my happiness with you
stay with me
just to be
find the time to say your prayers
please don't leave me
cause i want you
i want you now.
I know you've gone away so
but i'll leave the light on incase you find your way home..

I did edit that song a tad, but everytime I listen to it, it's like God's own words to me. i relate.

further seems forever

"no matter how careful you are, theres going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didnt experience it all. Theres that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you shouldve been paying attention....Well get used to that feeling....thats how your whole life will feel someday..."

-Chuck Palahniuk

God keeps putting something on my heart and I keep taking it off.
I keep thinking that things arn't my place to pass obvious judgment...
but maybe they are?
It's not just the seeing, it's not just the hearing, it's not just my thinking... it's the Holy Spirit...

anyway.
(Sarah you may understand what im going on about)

in other news, Thank God for this weather.
good weekend.

I look to my Eskimo Friend....

Beaches always have a strang effect on me. I always sit in awe of how the whole system works. The waves continuesly crashes on the shore, the sky rotates around that... and that sand is so small yet there is so much of it. I always meet God there... no matter what crap is going on.. He always meets me there.
Last year I use to take trips down to the holiday house and spend a couple of days on my own talking to God and hearing His voice. Even when I was annoyed with him... I always found myself on my knees in the sand crying out to him. Ocean Grove reminds me of those moments.

anyways I took a few photos of the day.. well of some people..

I see the light surrounding you... so don't be afraid of what your turning in to..

Wow I never realised how many people read this!
I don't enjoy posting but this is such a lovely outlet where it lets me have my say and it takes more then an hour to realise how much of a fool I can be. haha.

I keep having sparks of excitment about life. I was chatting to a friend about how his family was a complete mess. He had no one. His mum OD'd when he was 11, and his dad abused him until he was 16. One night he came home to find his dad very drunk and very upset, his dad pulled a gun out on him and shot him in the arm. He hadn't seen his dad since but was told that he had taken his own life a few years ago. This all happened in America, and my friend is now living in Australia.. and it has been incredible getting to know him. Yet the sad thing is that he wants to take his own life. The losses and array of disspointments have caught up with him... even the love for his girlfriend isn't enough to fill the gapping wound. Yet I talk to him.. and I realise that what I winge about, and what I think is "crap".. it nothing compared to his. That I sit there and talk to him and think of something personal to say that would relate and make him feel in company and not alone on the situation. But my mind is blank.

After we had coffee and I wandered off into the crowed I started thinking about life... I sat down in the park and wrote how I felt. Normally after walking away from a session like that I feel like crap.... I feel my depression in the back of my throat and dwell on his thoughts. But In my journal I wrote this:

"I'll do anything to get a thrill out of life... why? because it is worth living. Every second and every moment is worth grsping and milking it for all it's worth. You only get one chance. There is life, then you die. Don't think there is a better place or better world then this cause this is it! You think it's crap? you think the world is a horrible place? well don't let it get to you, find those people that make you smile, search for the one you love, read... watch movies, eat candy, laugh! kiss and cuddle, hold hands and tell everyone you hold close that you love them. If you died tomorrow, you wouldn't be happy, you wouldn't be better off.. you would just be dead. So make the most of today... while you still have it.. and when you go to sleep at night, make sure you are thinking of the ones you love, and when you wake up... make sure you thank God for giving you one last time of letting you enjoy love and happiness."

I meant every word. I mean every word. I suddenly refound a passion for living...

Driving back to Lauren's house I was praying and repeating this statement in my mind.. and it occured to me that this may be the last time I see her because tomorrow.. I may or she may not be here. Thinking like that really makes you feel. I realised how much I loved her and appreciated her and was honoured to be her best friend and to have her as mine. And I told her that. I got home and wandered into my parents room, sat on their bed and told them exactly how much I loved them and thanked them for everything...
(you know... I should be doing this everyday. It's not saying goodbye.. but it is saying.. I'll see you in Heaven)

I want to let my friend know about living life.. but it isn't until he experiences it that he will know.
He is back in Melbourne in two weeks... My hope is to let him meet Christians.. meet the Christian enviroment.. and maybe he will find that hope.. maybe find God. who knows.

When all else fails, dye your hair black

"The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart
and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are,
not as they pretend to be."

Jeremiah 17:9-10

Something that has really been standing out to me while reading Jeremiah. I don't even know why I am reading Jeremiah.. it kinda just came to me one morning to read it. Well that verse means something.. not exactly sure what haha.

I am going to make an open appology to some people I may have offended with what I said a couple of entries ago. I guess when I get angry.. I get angry. It seems quite a few people have started reading this thing.. so maybe I should watch what I scream or maybe I should just keep going.

I've distanced and pulled myself out of the YITS cycle. I think it's the safest thing to do so I don't just go snapping at people and saying something I totally don't mean. So much stuff has been getting to me. Topping it off lately is this thing where the guys got together and got pissed, went for nude runs and sat proudly bosting about hangovers. Not attractive at all. Yet very degrading. It looks like one of those things they did and didn't think about. I am suddenly reminded they are kids, they are the 18/19 year olds, no different to any 18/19 year old stranger you pass on the street. I guess maybe seeing my parents families fall apart from the males being alcoholics and treating their wives like utter crap.. then seeing my parents choice to not drink in respect for each others pasts.... it opened my eyes to a lot of different views the world and myself hold on alcohol. If that was rude, im sorry.

anywayyyyssssss.

I guess Jeremiah has taught me a lot ey? hahaha

Subcultural christian ladies

Ah ok, so I had my first SFS bible study last week. 14 girls (9 i had not met before) gathered in the back of a tattoo parlor in the city off flinders street. I actually got a little scared of the tattoo goth girls that turned up. But they had a massive heart for God and two girls, cassie and faith (whos real name is kirsten), shared their testimony. it has taken me over a year to get this thing up and running.. and this is the start of something beautiful.
I don't really talk about it to many people because a lot of people don't understand and 1. I got really tired of explaining that people who cover their flesh in tattoos and metal can love God and follow him so much stronger then jumper wearing Christians. 2. I don't want this to become something it was not set out to be.

So we had a little bit of a awkward worship and this Cassie asked if she could lead worship and use some of her own songs (happy Gemma right here). it only ran for 40 minutes because we didn't expect word to spread and more people to turn up haha

I know you don't read this, but I MUST give a massive thankyou to my ladies;
The Jenn
Peta
Nat
and Lucy
for the massive ammount of hard work you guys did for organising and finding a local and familiar place for us to meet! also thankyou for Nat for sharing her life story and being so brutely honest about your way you found Jesus, you really brought me to tears (of joy)

These are the people I am trying to reach, and I am finally reaching them.
prayer points:
1. that we find a little more permanent place
2. we can get the shirts printed up fast
3. we stay strong
4. more girls find out about this
5. God continues his work and gives us his guidence of where he wants this to go.

I have no idea when the next one will be. Maybe when Lucy returns from America.. who knows. maybe tonight? who knows.

ahhhh so excited and so in love with God!

EDIT: I forgot to explain that this started it in America, there is now one running in Adelaide and now Im trying to get this off the ground in Melbourne

I am so angry. I am so angry at college, I just left.
no not for eternity, i will be back next week. but I need to cool off and calm down, or do I?
Alcohol. I don't respect 18-20 year old kids who drink. full stop.
"It's fun to get drunk with Christians" WHAT THE HELL?!?!! MAN!
do i respect the boys in my class now? no.



will explain more when im not so angry

"Cold Cash And Colder Hearts"

They are sick, they are poor
And they die by the thousands and we look away
They are wolves at the door
And they're not gonna move us or get in our way

'Cause we don't have the time
Here at the top of the world
Feeling alright
Here at the top of the world

We hold our own by keeping our hearts cold

Different god, darker skin
They are just not a burden that we'd like to bear
They are living in "sin"
There are so many reasons for us not to care

But I'm feeling alright
Here at the top of the world
Doing just fine
Here at the top of the world

We've learned money matters most
So we keep our cards held close
Here at the top of the world

We hold our own by keeping our hearts cold
And we've learned what matters most
So we keep our hearts cold

They are no one
They are nowhere
They are not our problem
Not worth saving
Nonexistent if we keep our hearts cold

They are no one
They are nowhere



That was just a little somehting, by the way. Check out this site
http://www.thebricktestament.com/

fellooowwws

I am tired of watching my friends sell themselves short.
there is only so much I can do...


in other news, I was hanging out with my brothers brother in laws girlfriend yesterday. I started doing that fellowship kinda stuff with her... she is amazing.. kinda rough and very "cranbourny" but she has a story to tell and i think i am the only one willing to listen. the boys are going fishing next week so im going to spend the night at her place.
She has a son called Derrian, i love little kids... I love listening and watching them view the world with such innocence.. you can learn so much from kids

There is this movement I have got myself deeply involved with. I am so torn up over my past fights with depression and suicide attempts... I'm not going to share something deep like this on here, I want to.. but it is a story I need to pray about in order to share it. but back to this movement. It has started in America, and I am bringing it to Australia.
Here is a short video to explain it, please take the time to listen and watch it. It is so deeply written in my heart.

My brain's repeating "if you've got an impulse let it out" But they never make it past my mouth.

I was talking to a lady at church on Sunday about our week and life at the moment. She was telling me that her and her husband were in the the city during the week and that they were trying to get into a restaurant but were turned away for being too full. Yet as they were leaving the maitrede approached them saying that another couple had just left in a hurry and there was a table there if they were still looking. She had a smile on her face and was like "I prayed a little prayer to God to let there be a table, He does answer prayers".
I did giggle (for no reason) and said "wow that awesome" but I didn't mean a word of it.
I actually felt more angry and slightly hurt, and suddenly I noticed the room, the closed doors and it's boxed in foyer. I excused myself and went into a toilet cubicle and cried. I tried to stop myself but instead I asked God what he was trying to say.
It occured to me, that God is bigger then these "day to day give-me-what-i-want" prayers, like, how many times do we go into a car park on Christmas eve and go "God, please let there be a car park that's preferably close to the entrance" I sure have, sometimes I get some luck.. other times I turn away and shake my head at God. I'm almost ashamed to admit that! Who am I to do that????
But I ask, if we call on God to help in the pathetic little things like finding parking spots or finding things we thought we had lost, are we the selfish nation?
I hate praying for myself or about myself. I don't even want to. Now everytime I think of a small prayer I suddenly feel reminded of the thousands of people who are troubled, in danger, on their own. God knows my needs I don't have to ask... But instead there are bigger things we need to keep calling on God over. He is possibly the only one who can make a difference in this world, who can put a solution to the war.... but it is on Him and we just need to keep seeking Him in this.
Ok, I am not saying that you should not pray for yourself, because God says that we need to do is ask to recieve... but things like "God I didn't study and I have a SAC tomorrow, please help me" WHAT THE HELL MAN! You should have studied in the first place!!?!!!! LAME.
sorry.
But you know what I mean? I think I get angry at this. Angry at people, Angry at myself...

I have a group of friends, who started a band and got involved with this. I wish I was there with them...

to write love on her arms

Ever since I got invloved with this suicide prevention stuff
I keep getting blessed with heaps of oppertunities to minister to people about God etc...

God is working
God is good.

"...Do not test the LORD your God..."

This lady came through work yesterday complaining about how she had just put her washing out and it had started to rain. I kinda did that awkward laugh thing. But she said something that I seem to keep repeating in my head. She said "I thought when you do good things, God rewards you?"

Their are three views to God.
The first is that we view God as a judge; we think if we do something wrong that he punishes us, or He continuesly judges us. A lot of people see God as a judge.
The second is that we think we have a "contract" with God; that we put in something just so we can get something back. Like that lady. She said that "..she made all this effort to get up early and put the washing out.." and yet it rained? for example; a girl who had stopped sleeping with her boyfriend because, "as a Christian", you shouldn't, yet she went for a job interview and "prayed for God to give her ths job" and she didn't get it. She winged that she had given up something and yet God still didn't bless her. Makes me sick when people put God on a contract.
The third view is to have a Covenant with God. Covenants are forever. And you trust each other. It's what our relationship with God should be.

We went to a cemetery today for class.

"This is the only place I have felt free to cry.
Like everyone here knows Sean.
Everyone is missing someone and they understand me...
I belong with the dead and grieving"

I am not depressed, I am no longer grieving.. but it was like revisting old feelings and emotions that I had laid to rest. Sean was my best friend... and he took his own life.. there wasn't a point where I could say goodbye properly.
Today.. walking out of the cemetery, I finally felt like I was saying goodbye.

you know, I can't talk right now so I'll be back to finish this later.
If you are interested to know who Sean is, here is a link, it's not the story but it is my response.

Also here is a drawing I did as well... it explained how I felt when I was told about Sean.

And those with defeat on their faces, Are those that we must keep alive...

journal
Originally uploaded by gem123lee.

Can you tell that I am in "out letting" mode? I keep posting random stuff that I am sure I will delete soon. I had to do this task last week to concentrate on one thing. The one thing was a couple of sentences.

"There is nothing I can do to earn more of God's love.There is nothing I can do to lose God's love."


So I spent the first few days reciting this line to myself and trying to make sense of it... and trying to remember it. In the mean time we had a class with Mark Sayers and a few people piped up and debated the sentence and whether or not it was right. And they debated the use of the words in the sentence and they debated why Stephen would give this to "focus on". Through everything they were saying... it occurred to me... that it is not what is written on the piece of paper.. it's not the words or the choice of words.. it's not if you can remember it.. it's not about that. It's so much deeper and YES! life changing. For me at least. I realized it isn't the sentence we are focusing on.. it's the point of why we are doing it. God's love will never change. It is as it has been for thousands and thousands of years. We were loved before we even knew it... we were loved by God before anyone ever knew us. How dare we debate this??? How dare we sit in a class room trying to reword a sentence that we should already have written in our hearts in blood!! And it's not just this sentence that we focus on... it's the fact we are focusing on something that makes up our being! And a step deeper then that, is the reason why we focus on it!

For example, I have a real hard time trying to focus on thoughts and yet focus on this one thing.. has changed that. It's a tool and lesson I have learnt and can re use to help me focus on the "important things" in life. So many times can I just read something and repeat it to get into my brain.. but to focus.. for 5 minutes +, that was at first a challenge.... but now... I read my bible and the words just come alive.. I sit and I think about it.. I focus on what God is saying through this book directly at me.

When the world is ending, We toast to it!

I hate war. I hate it with a passion. I hate that it tears people apart, families apart, nations apart… There are thousands and thousands of people who lose their lives and there is not a thing we can do about it. I even hate that I sit here and blab on about my disliking for it… I hate that I sit here not being able to do anything but winge.
There is one question that haunts me. I thought about it today during silence..Would I trade my life… for the freedom of someone else’s?Would I give up my luxury? For someone else’s freedom?
Honestly, unless I was forced to.. I wouldn’t.
Yet Jesus would. He wouldn’t think twice about it… He would drop everything to see His people free from suffering.
I am not saying that this is an option for God, that this is an option for us. But it’s more of a “what if” I hate what if’s.. I seem to hate a lot of things don’t I?
What I don’t hate is God. By far I would say he is the solid note in my life… the continuous hum. The only note held well when I am singing badly.

My Spiritual Growth class was on Silence today. Painful, horrible silence. I would like to firstly point out that I am not a “post modern person” or an “MTV generation” person that can’t handle no noise and always has to have the radio or tv on. It is not like that at all. I can drive without music playing. I can sit in a room and read without the cd player on or the tv on. But asked to sit in silence and actually concentrate on that silence is not just painful… it’s the thoughts that come in and the images that fill my mind.. it's like a silent attack that no one can see or understand. After an hour of silence, my mind does calm down and stops screaming at me.. it's like the sea is calm and i see things for they really are. hmm.
We did this strange walk today, just around the front of campus. But we walked in silence.. thats the catch [haha]. when we finally stop and sat down to journal; my first initial words on the paper were "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? I PAY $4000 TO WALK IN SILENCE?" well along those lines.. But then I got into my thoughts... thoughts outside this stupid box we live in. thoughts beyond what I would normally think. I thought how lucky am I that I can walk around in pure silence.. while on the other side of the world is complete distruction.
you know, im pretty tired and have to much on my mind to spill.. I'll leave on that note and maybe come back to this later. if yourintererested, remind me!

"Everyone has a little Jonah in them..."

I guess I'll start this thing off on a poisitive note. Due to a painful "Stephen Said's" class... Im just going to start using this for an online outlet.
The name "I am Jonah" came to mind pretty fast when I was thinking of a name for this thing. I've been a "Jonah" [Refering to the Jonah in the bible who did a lot of running and hiding from God] I've been him all my life. well all my life is a little extreme. there are times when I followed Him, mostly on church camps.. and the first day after. But most of the time im dumbly running and hiding from God, ignoring Him and avoiding being in His presence. 2006 symbolises the fact that I have turned my life around and start following Him and listening to Him.. His not scary.. He doesn't express His "Wrathe" to me...

Thats the explanation to my name.

I think everyone has a little Jonah in them.. everyone has run, is running or contemplates running away from God.