I see the light surrounding you... so don't be afraid of what your turning in to..

Wow I never realised how many people read this!
I don't enjoy posting but this is such a lovely outlet where it lets me have my say and it takes more then an hour to realise how much of a fool I can be. haha.

I keep having sparks of excitment about life. I was chatting to a friend about how his family was a complete mess. He had no one. His mum OD'd when he was 11, and his dad abused him until he was 16. One night he came home to find his dad very drunk and very upset, his dad pulled a gun out on him and shot him in the arm. He hadn't seen his dad since but was told that he had taken his own life a few years ago. This all happened in America, and my friend is now living in Australia.. and it has been incredible getting to know him. Yet the sad thing is that he wants to take his own life. The losses and array of disspointments have caught up with him... even the love for his girlfriend isn't enough to fill the gapping wound. Yet I talk to him.. and I realise that what I winge about, and what I think is "crap".. it nothing compared to his. That I sit there and talk to him and think of something personal to say that would relate and make him feel in company and not alone on the situation. But my mind is blank.

After we had coffee and I wandered off into the crowed I started thinking about life... I sat down in the park and wrote how I felt. Normally after walking away from a session like that I feel like crap.... I feel my depression in the back of my throat and dwell on his thoughts. But In my journal I wrote this:

"I'll do anything to get a thrill out of life... why? because it is worth living. Every second and every moment is worth grsping and milking it for all it's worth. You only get one chance. There is life, then you die. Don't think there is a better place or better world then this cause this is it! You think it's crap? you think the world is a horrible place? well don't let it get to you, find those people that make you smile, search for the one you love, read... watch movies, eat candy, laugh! kiss and cuddle, hold hands and tell everyone you hold close that you love them. If you died tomorrow, you wouldn't be happy, you wouldn't be better off.. you would just be dead. So make the most of today... while you still have it.. and when you go to sleep at night, make sure you are thinking of the ones you love, and when you wake up... make sure you thank God for giving you one last time of letting you enjoy love and happiness."

I meant every word. I mean every word. I suddenly refound a passion for living...

Driving back to Lauren's house I was praying and repeating this statement in my mind.. and it occured to me that this may be the last time I see her because tomorrow.. I may or she may not be here. Thinking like that really makes you feel. I realised how much I loved her and appreciated her and was honoured to be her best friend and to have her as mine. And I told her that. I got home and wandered into my parents room, sat on their bed and told them exactly how much I loved them and thanked them for everything...
(you know... I should be doing this everyday. It's not saying goodbye.. but it is saying.. I'll see you in Heaven)

I want to let my friend know about living life.. but it isn't until he experiences it that he will know.
He is back in Melbourne in two weeks... My hope is to let him meet Christians.. meet the Christian enviroment.. and maybe he will find that hope.. maybe find God. who knows.