You're the believer

I've been watching those sad eyes flirt with happiness for months now.
words of lonliness drip from your lips, the lack of care is beginning to show.
You face each day with a false sense of hope. And you sleep at night face down against your pillow, burying your dreams as if it were a corpse you were trying to hide.
Your saddness breaks my heart. But I see the light within you that you don't believe is there.
I only pray you find that light and believe in life after a broken heart

a dream

We borrowed your father’s car and put Iron and Wine on the stereo.
a new cd where we barely knew the words yet managed to pretend enough to enjoy each song.
You smelt like Sunday, so restful and carefree, I liked you this way.
We drove down past the local hotels, bars and venues. We passed old friends and family, pointing out the people we knew and filling each other in on the stories we had created.
As the familiar passed and the new came into view, we talked about ourselves and the similarities we had. I told stories of my 21st and the reasons why I disliked clubs. You shared your political views and reasons why you liked hardcore music and Swedish metal. We really didn't have a lot in common, in fact we could have said we were complete opposites. But that’s why we were what we were. That’s why I liked you, and you liked me.
We talked about God and our passion for living a life like Jesus. We passionately spoke about our desire for change and our longing for our world to be a better place.We drove through your old neighbourhood and you spoke excitedly about your primary school and Local Park, useless information that meant something to me... only because it meant something to you.
We talked about your ex flames and mistakes. We tentatively spoke of marriage and relationships in the hope we wouldn't scare each other.
My eyes were fixed on you as you drove down the highway, I noticed your lips and the way they unevenly curled when you smiled. I noticed how your eyes shone and danced as we spoke of friends and fun past times. I loved the way you looked at me between traffic as I spoke with my hands to show you my enthusiasm.
We arrived at the bay, in time to catch the sun setting on the water. Sitting in the car you told me how you felt and that life was better with me in it. I sat in wonder at how truly lucky I was.
I held his hand and he held mine.

the sound of giving up

without a word i left the scene.
the broken heart lay there surrounded by blood and memories.
I left the room quietly and headed towards the front door, gathering speed with each step before I burst through it and out into the brightness of the sun.
As I collapsed on my knees, burying my head in my hands, I pulled my hair from it's roots and felt the warmth of the blood ooze from the pain. My eyes burned with tears and I scratched my arms till they were red and ached such pain I could barely move.
I cried into the son to save me. To take me from this place, to make me disappear forever.
Peoples passed by; strangers, brothers, sisters, friends. They looked at me and the mess I was... they avoided eye contact and just passed me by. blood seeping through my shirt and forming puddles on the path below me. They saw my tired hands and sad eyes, yet did not stop and offer me help. they just kept walking.
There I lay wimpering in pain, realising that the mess I was, is my own fault.
But im too far gone to help myself now.
I cried "My God! My God! save me from myself! I can not bare to do this again!! I can't..."

Take me home... Oh God, take me home....

Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean

I lay on my bed surrounded by books and half finished cups of green tea. Sometimes I wonder why I never finish those cups of tea, but I never remember to remind myself of that wonder when im drinking my tea cup, and by the time i've sat it down and forgotten about it, it sits at the same level as all the other tea cups and I think "blast! I forgot to remember my wonder, now i'll never know what it would feel to reach the bottom of my cup"
I have a habit of leaving these tea cups in my room.
I think this says a lot of about my life, maybe your life. I will be focused on the task at hand which is so intensly good and an adventure.. but somewhere along the way my thoughts and priorities change and yet somehow years later I finally remember the task and remember how I never finished it.
I have an array of half completed paintings, drawings, musical interludes, writtings, journals... name it, i've probably once started it. But most probably never completed it.
So I am going back through my life and completing the things I once planned to do.
I only hope that I don't forget to complete the half finished halves that i had not finished.

wasting.

Currently, I'm learning how to survive.
My God. Oh, My God. the aches of this heart and creaking like and old boat lost at sea. The confidence is lacking and I can't even open my mouth to sing your name. Everything I do is slow and pointless. I can lay here for days on my face with my hands spread out like roots. my nails dig into the capret like anchors. for no reason but my own self pitty. And I learn about your grace, and I experience your love for me. I am not afreaid of you. I am not scared or ashamed. I'm also not and idiot who is going to just wait. wait. wait.wait.
When I glide my fingers along the piano keys, the cool sensations calm my nerves. the white and black are a blur in tears of joy that I am here. There is something here ot be learnt of Grace.
I fade... my heart fades, my eyes are grey with nothing. and my knees are still from shaking. I am nothing without you and the emotions you put my through. I am nothing without you.
I can drink glasses of wine and smoke fine cigerettes. I can see bands with obscure names, play play play. But i am slwoly dying. Slowly turning into something I am not meant to be.

When today ends. I will be one more day closer to my death.
The death of a girl with too much on her mind, to many people in her heart and an impatient soul.
yet here I sit writting a blog..... wasting.

"my God, what a world you love"

Laying on this floor spinning Kieth Green albums, is always a mind opener.

I close my mind and I see the most strangest things.

this is todays.

I am the type of person who screws up so many things in her life, but when I look to my left at the seat I thought would be deserted, Jesus is just sitting there. And I look into his big beautiful greeny blue eyes that look exactly like the ocean and I don't have to question, I don't have to suddenly ask everything on my mind, I don't feel judged or condemed. He doesn't even have to talk. I just get lost looking in those eyes. I lose my words. Yet sometimes I just have to ask

"do you forgive me?"

then he gives me this look like '

did you have to ask?'

He then taps my knee and tells me just one thing.

"You only need an audience of one. I am your biggest fan and I'm not going anywhere"

You know, everything is going to be alright.