his stregth

"you are a child of God. your playing small doesn't serve the world. there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us... and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."
- nelson mandela

This totally goes out to a lot of you guys. It is strange. I was reading a book at my sis-in-laws house and (as a quote lover) this really stood out to me. I think it is beautiful, raw, honest... and humbling. Then I log on and check some friends' livejournals and she had this quote up and saying that she found it and meant a lot to her. God's up to something... sneeeeeeky.


Saturday 12:49am
I have decided to learn the Violin.

Hey i did a sweet photoshoot yesterday with an amazing musician, Kim Beales.
check out his stuff and leave him a comment etc.
check the link on the banner to see more photos.

love gem

"you're my mystery that makes life interesting..."

dear children...

I watch you walk and i watch you run
and i'll always be the one chasing you
i see you fade.. i see you fall
and i'll sure be the one to catch you
i find my happiness with you
stay with me
just to be
find the time to say your prayers
please don't leave me
cause i want you
i want you now.
I know you've gone away so
but i'll leave the light on incase you find your way home..

I did edit that song a tad, but everytime I listen to it, it's like God's own words to me. i relate.

further seems forever

"no matter how careful you are, theres going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didnt experience it all. Theres that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you shouldve been paying attention....Well get used to that feeling....thats how your whole life will feel someday..."

-Chuck Palahniuk

God keeps putting something on my heart and I keep taking it off.
I keep thinking that things arn't my place to pass obvious judgment...
but maybe they are?
It's not just the seeing, it's not just the hearing, it's not just my thinking... it's the Holy Spirit...

anyway.
(Sarah you may understand what im going on about)

in other news, Thank God for this weather.
good weekend.

I look to my Eskimo Friend....

Beaches always have a strang effect on me. I always sit in awe of how the whole system works. The waves continuesly crashes on the shore, the sky rotates around that... and that sand is so small yet there is so much of it. I always meet God there... no matter what crap is going on.. He always meets me there.
Last year I use to take trips down to the holiday house and spend a couple of days on my own talking to God and hearing His voice. Even when I was annoyed with him... I always found myself on my knees in the sand crying out to him. Ocean Grove reminds me of those moments.

anyways I took a few photos of the day.. well of some people..

I see the light surrounding you... so don't be afraid of what your turning in to..

Wow I never realised how many people read this!
I don't enjoy posting but this is such a lovely outlet where it lets me have my say and it takes more then an hour to realise how much of a fool I can be. haha.

I keep having sparks of excitment about life. I was chatting to a friend about how his family was a complete mess. He had no one. His mum OD'd when he was 11, and his dad abused him until he was 16. One night he came home to find his dad very drunk and very upset, his dad pulled a gun out on him and shot him in the arm. He hadn't seen his dad since but was told that he had taken his own life a few years ago. This all happened in America, and my friend is now living in Australia.. and it has been incredible getting to know him. Yet the sad thing is that he wants to take his own life. The losses and array of disspointments have caught up with him... even the love for his girlfriend isn't enough to fill the gapping wound. Yet I talk to him.. and I realise that what I winge about, and what I think is "crap".. it nothing compared to his. That I sit there and talk to him and think of something personal to say that would relate and make him feel in company and not alone on the situation. But my mind is blank.

After we had coffee and I wandered off into the crowed I started thinking about life... I sat down in the park and wrote how I felt. Normally after walking away from a session like that I feel like crap.... I feel my depression in the back of my throat and dwell on his thoughts. But In my journal I wrote this:

"I'll do anything to get a thrill out of life... why? because it is worth living. Every second and every moment is worth grsping and milking it for all it's worth. You only get one chance. There is life, then you die. Don't think there is a better place or better world then this cause this is it! You think it's crap? you think the world is a horrible place? well don't let it get to you, find those people that make you smile, search for the one you love, read... watch movies, eat candy, laugh! kiss and cuddle, hold hands and tell everyone you hold close that you love them. If you died tomorrow, you wouldn't be happy, you wouldn't be better off.. you would just be dead. So make the most of today... while you still have it.. and when you go to sleep at night, make sure you are thinking of the ones you love, and when you wake up... make sure you thank God for giving you one last time of letting you enjoy love and happiness."

I meant every word. I mean every word. I suddenly refound a passion for living...

Driving back to Lauren's house I was praying and repeating this statement in my mind.. and it occured to me that this may be the last time I see her because tomorrow.. I may or she may not be here. Thinking like that really makes you feel. I realised how much I loved her and appreciated her and was honoured to be her best friend and to have her as mine. And I told her that. I got home and wandered into my parents room, sat on their bed and told them exactly how much I loved them and thanked them for everything...
(you know... I should be doing this everyday. It's not saying goodbye.. but it is saying.. I'll see you in Heaven)

I want to let my friend know about living life.. but it isn't until he experiences it that he will know.
He is back in Melbourne in two weeks... My hope is to let him meet Christians.. meet the Christian enviroment.. and maybe he will find that hope.. maybe find God. who knows.

When all else fails, dye your hair black

"The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart
and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are,
not as they pretend to be."

Jeremiah 17:9-10

Something that has really been standing out to me while reading Jeremiah. I don't even know why I am reading Jeremiah.. it kinda just came to me one morning to read it. Well that verse means something.. not exactly sure what haha.

I am going to make an open appology to some people I may have offended with what I said a couple of entries ago. I guess when I get angry.. I get angry. It seems quite a few people have started reading this thing.. so maybe I should watch what I scream or maybe I should just keep going.

I've distanced and pulled myself out of the YITS cycle. I think it's the safest thing to do so I don't just go snapping at people and saying something I totally don't mean. So much stuff has been getting to me. Topping it off lately is this thing where the guys got together and got pissed, went for nude runs and sat proudly bosting about hangovers. Not attractive at all. Yet very degrading. It looks like one of those things they did and didn't think about. I am suddenly reminded they are kids, they are the 18/19 year olds, no different to any 18/19 year old stranger you pass on the street. I guess maybe seeing my parents families fall apart from the males being alcoholics and treating their wives like utter crap.. then seeing my parents choice to not drink in respect for each others pasts.... it opened my eyes to a lot of different views the world and myself hold on alcohol. If that was rude, im sorry.

anywayyyyssssss.

I guess Jeremiah has taught me a lot ey? hahaha

Subcultural christian ladies

Ah ok, so I had my first SFS bible study last week. 14 girls (9 i had not met before) gathered in the back of a tattoo parlor in the city off flinders street. I actually got a little scared of the tattoo goth girls that turned up. But they had a massive heart for God and two girls, cassie and faith (whos real name is kirsten), shared their testimony. it has taken me over a year to get this thing up and running.. and this is the start of something beautiful.
I don't really talk about it to many people because a lot of people don't understand and 1. I got really tired of explaining that people who cover their flesh in tattoos and metal can love God and follow him so much stronger then jumper wearing Christians. 2. I don't want this to become something it was not set out to be.

So we had a little bit of a awkward worship and this Cassie asked if she could lead worship and use some of her own songs (happy Gemma right here). it only ran for 40 minutes because we didn't expect word to spread and more people to turn up haha

I know you don't read this, but I MUST give a massive thankyou to my ladies;
The Jenn
Peta
Nat
and Lucy
for the massive ammount of hard work you guys did for organising and finding a local and familiar place for us to meet! also thankyou for Nat for sharing her life story and being so brutely honest about your way you found Jesus, you really brought me to tears (of joy)

These are the people I am trying to reach, and I am finally reaching them.
prayer points:
1. that we find a little more permanent place
2. we can get the shirts printed up fast
3. we stay strong
4. more girls find out about this
5. God continues his work and gives us his guidence of where he wants this to go.

I have no idea when the next one will be. Maybe when Lucy returns from America.. who knows. maybe tonight? who knows.

ahhhh so excited and so in love with God!

EDIT: I forgot to explain that this started it in America, there is now one running in Adelaide and now Im trying to get this off the ground in Melbourne

I am so angry. I am so angry at college, I just left.
no not for eternity, i will be back next week. but I need to cool off and calm down, or do I?
Alcohol. I don't respect 18-20 year old kids who drink. full stop.
"It's fun to get drunk with Christians" WHAT THE HELL?!?!! MAN!
do i respect the boys in my class now? no.



will explain more when im not so angry

"Cold Cash And Colder Hearts"

They are sick, they are poor
And they die by the thousands and we look away
They are wolves at the door
And they're not gonna move us or get in our way

'Cause we don't have the time
Here at the top of the world
Feeling alright
Here at the top of the world

We hold our own by keeping our hearts cold

Different god, darker skin
They are just not a burden that we'd like to bear
They are living in "sin"
There are so many reasons for us not to care

But I'm feeling alright
Here at the top of the world
Doing just fine
Here at the top of the world

We've learned money matters most
So we keep our cards held close
Here at the top of the world

We hold our own by keeping our hearts cold
And we've learned what matters most
So we keep our hearts cold

They are no one
They are nowhere
They are not our problem
Not worth saving
Nonexistent if we keep our hearts cold

They are no one
They are nowhere



That was just a little somehting, by the way. Check out this site
http://www.thebricktestament.com/

fellooowwws

I am tired of watching my friends sell themselves short.
there is only so much I can do...


in other news, I was hanging out with my brothers brother in laws girlfriend yesterday. I started doing that fellowship kinda stuff with her... she is amazing.. kinda rough and very "cranbourny" but she has a story to tell and i think i am the only one willing to listen. the boys are going fishing next week so im going to spend the night at her place.
She has a son called Derrian, i love little kids... I love listening and watching them view the world with such innocence.. you can learn so much from kids

There is this movement I have got myself deeply involved with. I am so torn up over my past fights with depression and suicide attempts... I'm not going to share something deep like this on here, I want to.. but it is a story I need to pray about in order to share it. but back to this movement. It has started in America, and I am bringing it to Australia.
Here is a short video to explain it, please take the time to listen and watch it. It is so deeply written in my heart.

My brain's repeating "if you've got an impulse let it out" But they never make it past my mouth.

I was talking to a lady at church on Sunday about our week and life at the moment. She was telling me that her and her husband were in the the city during the week and that they were trying to get into a restaurant but were turned away for being too full. Yet as they were leaving the maitrede approached them saying that another couple had just left in a hurry and there was a table there if they were still looking. She had a smile on her face and was like "I prayed a little prayer to God to let there be a table, He does answer prayers".
I did giggle (for no reason) and said "wow that awesome" but I didn't mean a word of it.
I actually felt more angry and slightly hurt, and suddenly I noticed the room, the closed doors and it's boxed in foyer. I excused myself and went into a toilet cubicle and cried. I tried to stop myself but instead I asked God what he was trying to say.
It occured to me, that God is bigger then these "day to day give-me-what-i-want" prayers, like, how many times do we go into a car park on Christmas eve and go "God, please let there be a car park that's preferably close to the entrance" I sure have, sometimes I get some luck.. other times I turn away and shake my head at God. I'm almost ashamed to admit that! Who am I to do that????
But I ask, if we call on God to help in the pathetic little things like finding parking spots or finding things we thought we had lost, are we the selfish nation?
I hate praying for myself or about myself. I don't even want to. Now everytime I think of a small prayer I suddenly feel reminded of the thousands of people who are troubled, in danger, on their own. God knows my needs I don't have to ask... But instead there are bigger things we need to keep calling on God over. He is possibly the only one who can make a difference in this world, who can put a solution to the war.... but it is on Him and we just need to keep seeking Him in this.
Ok, I am not saying that you should not pray for yourself, because God says that we need to do is ask to recieve... but things like "God I didn't study and I have a SAC tomorrow, please help me" WHAT THE HELL MAN! You should have studied in the first place!!?!!!! LAME.
sorry.
But you know what I mean? I think I get angry at this. Angry at people, Angry at myself...

I have a group of friends, who started a band and got involved with this. I wish I was there with them...

to write love on her arms

Ever since I got invloved with this suicide prevention stuff
I keep getting blessed with heaps of oppertunities to minister to people about God etc...

God is working
God is good.

"...Do not test the LORD your God..."

This lady came through work yesterday complaining about how she had just put her washing out and it had started to rain. I kinda did that awkward laugh thing. But she said something that I seem to keep repeating in my head. She said "I thought when you do good things, God rewards you?"

Their are three views to God.
The first is that we view God as a judge; we think if we do something wrong that he punishes us, or He continuesly judges us. A lot of people see God as a judge.
The second is that we think we have a "contract" with God; that we put in something just so we can get something back. Like that lady. She said that "..she made all this effort to get up early and put the washing out.." and yet it rained? for example; a girl who had stopped sleeping with her boyfriend because, "as a Christian", you shouldn't, yet she went for a job interview and "prayed for God to give her ths job" and she didn't get it. She winged that she had given up something and yet God still didn't bless her. Makes me sick when people put God on a contract.
The third view is to have a Covenant with God. Covenants are forever. And you trust each other. It's what our relationship with God should be.

We went to a cemetery today for class.

"This is the only place I have felt free to cry.
Like everyone here knows Sean.
Everyone is missing someone and they understand me...
I belong with the dead and grieving"

I am not depressed, I am no longer grieving.. but it was like revisting old feelings and emotions that I had laid to rest. Sean was my best friend... and he took his own life.. there wasn't a point where I could say goodbye properly.
Today.. walking out of the cemetery, I finally felt like I was saying goodbye.

you know, I can't talk right now so I'll be back to finish this later.
If you are interested to know who Sean is, here is a link, it's not the story but it is my response.

Also here is a drawing I did as well... it explained how I felt when I was told about Sean.

And those with defeat on their faces, Are those that we must keep alive...

journal
Originally uploaded by gem123lee.

Can you tell that I am in "out letting" mode? I keep posting random stuff that I am sure I will delete soon. I had to do this task last week to concentrate on one thing. The one thing was a couple of sentences.

"There is nothing I can do to earn more of God's love.There is nothing I can do to lose God's love."


So I spent the first few days reciting this line to myself and trying to make sense of it... and trying to remember it. In the mean time we had a class with Mark Sayers and a few people piped up and debated the sentence and whether or not it was right. And they debated the use of the words in the sentence and they debated why Stephen would give this to "focus on". Through everything they were saying... it occurred to me... that it is not what is written on the piece of paper.. it's not the words or the choice of words.. it's not if you can remember it.. it's not about that. It's so much deeper and YES! life changing. For me at least. I realized it isn't the sentence we are focusing on.. it's the point of why we are doing it. God's love will never change. It is as it has been for thousands and thousands of years. We were loved before we even knew it... we were loved by God before anyone ever knew us. How dare we debate this??? How dare we sit in a class room trying to reword a sentence that we should already have written in our hearts in blood!! And it's not just this sentence that we focus on... it's the fact we are focusing on something that makes up our being! And a step deeper then that, is the reason why we focus on it!

For example, I have a real hard time trying to focus on thoughts and yet focus on this one thing.. has changed that. It's a tool and lesson I have learnt and can re use to help me focus on the "important things" in life. So many times can I just read something and repeat it to get into my brain.. but to focus.. for 5 minutes +, that was at first a challenge.... but now... I read my bible and the words just come alive.. I sit and I think about it.. I focus on what God is saying through this book directly at me.